That bird doesn’t even know he’s flying into a fiery ball of death. 

I’ve been having a pretty good time feeling sorry for myself these last few days. It’s easy, isn’t it, making yourself feel like you’re the loneliest, saddest, ugliest person in the entire world? Easy maybe, but sad in reality.

There I was, four in the afternoon, on the couch where I had been since I woke up and the phone rang; It was my mom. Oh boy. I would have bet a hundred dollars on her asking if I had made my husband dinner. Not that that’s bad, it’s just my mom. Imagine my surprise when her only question was “Are you wearing a bra?” Am I wearing a whaaa?! How dare she! It’s my depression. It’s my sorry for my selfishness and, uh, well, no, actually I hadn’t, uh, put on a bra today.

She was right. She was very, like strangely always, right.

Once the conversation was over I decided that even though I had wasted two thirds of the day on the couch, there was still a little bit of life to be had. I applied some deodorant, put on a bra (phew!) and jumped on my bike with a camera.

I went to my usual spot, the Indian reservation less than a mile away. It’s only accessible by bike or farming equipment and it provokes a strange quite in the midst of suburban chaos. I took my usual “I have no clue what I’m doing but I’m pushing the button” photos and sat down to watch the sun set.

I sat there listening to hundreds of people passing by in their cars in the distance. They drove SUV’s, BMW’s, XRT’s, acronym this, acronym that. And at that point I realized something pretty significant … I’m OKAY! Who knows what issues these people driving by are dealing with. Who knows where they’re going and who knows who they’ve lost. All I know is that I have a husband and a few unruly dogs to ride home to and that, for now and indefinitely, is more that I could ever wish for. Home, by the way, is pretty darn amazing.

And then my behind started to itch and I realized I was sitting on a nest of fire ants. No seriously, my bum burns like no hell I’ve ever experienced.

(Really not kidding, I think I may need medical attention.)

Why, might you ask, have I not posted a real blog in a few days? Because this, honestly, is ALL that we’ve been doing.  There’s just something about objects in the air that drives my husband nuts. It’s like kitty litter for engineers.

What? Are you telling me that flying a Thomas kite at 27 isn’t cool? Well, I’ll let you tell that to my 32-year-old husband.

This shot was taken on our honeymoon moments before I realized I was burn to a crisp. Burnt, lost in a fishing village and wearing hot pink shorts which eerily resembled my hot pink face. The solution? More Pacifico! Here are some more photos from the honeymoon and I promise I’m just about done talking about the wedding. I’ll be back to regularly scheduled inappropriate posting very soon.

All photos taken by Melissa Jill, amazing photographer extraordinaire. If you haven’t already, feel free to check out our wedding slide show. And if that’s not enough excitement, you can check out our wedding album slideshow as well.

I know I’m a little partial, but I have to say that our wedding was pretty darn amazing.  I’ve been to a lot of weddings and I’ve enjoyed a lot of weddings, but woah, this one rocked. Brandon was so handsome, all of my friends and family were in one place and everyone had a great time. It was awesome.

The only mishap I can think of was my wedding dress. I loved it all the previous times I tried it one, but for some reason on that day, that very important day, my boobs would not stay in. I look like a hooker. Luckily for me, I seldom care what others think and changed into shorts and flip flops half way through the night. It was awesome.

Sparky, the Arizona State mascot, made a surprise appearance at the reception which blew Brandon’s mind. I think that was the only time he took his eyes off my boobies the entire day. Sparky was introduced with us and cut a rug with everyone on the dancefloor. It was awesome.

We even had a bum crash the wedding. The church where we got married, St. Mary’s Basilica, is next to a homeless shelter. As RM and I were sitting at the altar, we noticed a very tattered man in the pew. No big deal, dude just wanted to get a little bit of Jesus. We both lost track of him and as we were walking down the aisle on the way out, homeless guy grabbed Brandon and patted his back in congratulations. After we signed our marriage license, RM and I walked outside to everyone ringing little bells. Yep, homeless hombre was right there ringing away with the best of them. One of our friends later told us that the guy asked them for a ride to the reception. They declined his proposition, but I dunno, it could have been awesome.

Melissa Jill

32 candles on that brownie birthday cake I made the future hubby. Thirty two! I still have six years until then, but I imagine lots of “when I was your age” conversations, cafeterias and unnecessary flatulence.

Nay, I didn’t fly off the deep end and get another dog. Do you think I’d still have a home if I surprised Rocket Man with another pup? I think not. I took care of a friend’s dog earlier this week. While he was an adorable little guy, taking care of four dogs turned me crazy. I was like the Dog Whisperer but with more tears and less obedience.

Hey! Guess what? I’m getting married in seven days! Holy crap, I’m getting married in seven days. Except for the occasional breakdown, we’re all set. I was talking to my mom on the phone a few days ago and she asked me if I was getting stressed. My response was “NO, ALRIGHT! WILL EVERYONE PLEASE STOP ASKING ME IF I’M GETTING STRESSED? BLAAAAAAAAH!!!!!”  And then my head spun around four times and fell on the floor.

The only issue I’ve had this week is my wedding dress. I underestimated the cost of a bustle for my train by about $400. Call me cheap, but I’m not spending half the cost of my dress on a few ties. Instead, my mom is a seamstress and she’ll be helping me figure it out when she gets to town. If I was smart, I would have majored in scamming brides and their naive grooms at college. I’d make millions.

What do you think? I had my trial hair and make-up run yesterday. I’m pleased with the makeup, although it’s much darker than I usually wear, and I like the hair. I think that I’ll have my stylist make my hair line softer by whisping the front across my forehead. The wedding is TWO WEEKS from today. Ho-ly moly.

Brandon is having his bachelor party this weekend. Instead of going out one night, he’s decided that he’s making it a bachelor weekend. No worries, I’m cool with that. However! He also, very politely, asked me to vacate our home for the weekend. No worries, I’m okay with that. However! He asked me last night to make some appetizers for his bar-b-que this evening. No worries, I can deal with that. However! This morning, while heading out the door, he indicated that it’d be nice if I would clean the house, do the laundry and make everything look nice before his buddies arrive.

No worries, I  can take off my shoes, jump into the kitchen and slit my wrists.

Ah, love.

Wow, just wow.

Both Brandon and I had no idea what to expect yesterday when a camera crew came to film us for the Sun Devil Story. Heck, I still don’t think we know what happened. It was a complete whirlwind of craziness.

The crew showed up at ten to set things up. They moved stuff around, picked out our clothes and even took care of our shiny heads with some makeup.

We talked to them for close to two hours about how we met, how we became ASU fans, why we love each other, blah, blah, blah. I know everyone says that you’re always your own worst critic, but the two of us can’t stop thinking about everything we did wrong.

Such as …

The shirt they put me in made my boobies gigantasosaurus.

We were both so nervous that we sweat holes in each other’s legs with our hands.

At one point, I was asked about my shoes for the wedding and instead told the crew that Rocket Man wanted me to wear ASU panties. Which, by the way, was not true at all. I just made that up.

I also falsely told them that I only fell in love with Rocket Man because he was wearing a hat when we met him.

Every time we started a sentence, we’d forget what we were talking about and end up staring blankly at the camera and saying “uh, what now?” The crew would look at each other, whisper, sigh and tell us to start over.

I’m sure everything will turn out okay in the end.  When they left, we both looked at each other and said,”HOLY CRAP. What did we just get ourselves into?” And honestly, I don’t think we’ll know until we see it at the football game on the 25th.

Don’t you worry. They’ll be sending us the video so you can see for yourself how much a grown woman is able embarrass herself, her fiance, her family and friends in just two short minutes.