I’m drunk. I have to be.

I weigh 196 pounds.

 

Woah, wow, what?

 

Did I really just admit my real weight to everyone? I don’t even admit my real weight to myself!

 

It’s true. I must be drunk. That or the stress of my husband staying home from work “sick” has pushed me over the edge. Maybe both.

 

When I moved to Arizona in 2004, I weighed 135 pounds. I was skinny and I was hot. (No, I was haaawt!) Sadly, I thought I was the fattest, ugliest girl in all the world.  It’s funny how girls do that to themselves. Everyone told me I was pretty, everyone said “Amy, size six is not fat!” but I didn’t believe them. All I saw was what I saw in the mirror and that was “fat.”

 

Fast forward five years, a few traumatic experiences that psychologists are still trying to figure out and I weigh in at a chunky, two anorexic tween girls weight of ONE HUNDRED AND NINETY SIX pounds. The strange thing is, though, that I’ve never been happier. I know for a fact that I’m not skinny and I’ve got the size 14, ok 16, pants to prove it.

 

When I first started gaining weight it was really hard. I refused to take pictures, wore baggy t-shirts, sported extra big jeans and didn’t wear makeup. My theory was that I’d rather people say “oh, she’s probably not that big, it’s just the clothes” than “wow, why does that fat girl think she can get away with a shirt like that?” Totally normal, right? Wrong.

 

I’m now happy to say that when I do look in a mirror, I can see positive things about myself.  Just writing that sentence has taken over 26 years of self inflicting doubt. Regardless, I want to be healthy and don’t think that I am. I know that my miscarriage wasn’t because of my weight, but it couldn’t have helped. I know that I’ll never be at my high school weight of one-hundred-and-eat-anything-you-want-and-it-won’t-matter, but I do want to be able to say that I can wear pants with only one digit again. Plus see my feet. Crazy, I know.

 

That being said, I joined Weight Watchers! My sister Katie started 8 weeks ago and she’s doing great. My friends Crystal and Sarah (the blurry one on the left) have also taken the plunge and I like the accountability factor of having people checking up on me. (Uh, hence this post.) I’ve been going back and forth about joining for a while, but why not? What do I have to lose except a few pounds and every ounce of my dignity? Because I did just admit my true weight. On the internet.

 

I must be drunk.